Congratulations!!! You’ve made it through another school year and summer break is here!
That generally means fewer reasons to badger kids and more opportunities to have fun together. I always loved the start of summer because the schedule was more relaxed and I got to show up more often as a fun mom. But then comes the challenges of sibling bickering when they are home more hours of the day.
The Goal: Raising Kids Who Are Friends as Adults
Today I’m sharing a conversation that Palmer and I had about sibling relationships when we taught a micro-class for parents about dealing with sibling bickering.
Kerry: One thing about sibling conflict: it’s painful for me as a mom because you three boys were the people I loved most in the world. To watch any of you suffer at each other’s hands or be mean to each other, it hurt my heart. I really wanted you to grow up and be friends. And I wanted you to grow up and have good relationship skills. There’s a lot at stake when parents are stressed about how their kids get along with each other.
As parents, we’re all just winging it so often, trying to answer the question, “How do I help these kids grow up to be friends when they’re adults?” Palmer, what, if anything, do you think I did as a mom that helped you and your brothers have good relationships now as young adults?
Foster Reconnection Over Punishment
Palmer: When you imposed consequences, you didn’t just ground us or take our stuff away. It was about repairing the relationship with our brother. I’d have to talk to them. I’d have to hang out with them. I’d have to do their chores. I’d have to spend time playing with them. Honestly, I was like, “Just give me a worse punishment than that.” But in reality, I’d end up hanging out with them, and we’d get to the end of our required playtime, and I’d be like, “Huh, let’s just keep going.” The consequence of fighting was to spend time with that person, to reconnect with them, and mend the relationship, and not just receive my personal punishment, because the damage was to the relationship, so the “fix” had to be about the relationship. It was like, I had to fix what I broke. Punishing me and just taking things away would not have brought me closer to my brothers when I hurt them.
Now with my wife, Anabelle, if we get into an argument, I couldn’t ground her if I wanted to 😂, so we focus on reconnecting before we move on, and we don’t just yell at each other and call it over. So I’m still living that concept of fixing what I’ve broken, especially when it comes to relationships.
A Parenting Approach: The “5×5” Strategy
Kerry: Yeah, if I had just punished you, you would be mad at me. And that wouldn’t have done anything positive for the relationship with your brothers. I want to share a story from my parenting journal about something that helped when your oldest and youngest brothers weren’t getting along well:
My 15-year-old (“Big”) is so harsh with his 8-year-old brother (“Little”). He calls him “stupid,” and puts him down regularly. Tonight we were playing a family game. “Little” did something that made “Big” mad, so in half a second flat, Big twisted Little’s arm and pounded on it. Little screamed and cried. I sent Big to his room and we finished our game. The whole time, I was pondering what to do.
Watching the cruelty between my kids hurt my heart. My mind was spinning. How could I create more of what I wanted in my son’s behavior instead of punishing him for what I didn’t want him to do? What I wanted was for Big to be kind to Little. I wanted my boys to enjoy each other’s company.
I considered my options:
- Yelling would do nothing more than fuel the fire of tension in the house, and there was already plenty of that with the divorce we were going through.
- Punishing would just create more irritation and rebellion on the part of Big, which would then be taken out on Little.
- Lecturing would be a waste of time because Big already knew he was being a jerk, but that wasn’t stopping his behavior.
How can I create more closeness between my sons? I came up with 5×5. For 5 days, Big had to say at least 5 nice things to Little and do at least one thing WITH him which had to take a minimum of 15 minutes. When we talked about it later and I asked Big if he understood the impact on Little of having his biggest brother pick on and hurt him day in and day out, Big seemed to feel bad about the impact he might be having on Little. He didn’t protest the 5×5 at all.
Two days later … I came upstairs to find Big lounged on the bed next to Little and they were both looking at Guinness books, side by side. They were talking and having fun. Little was so happy, content, and sweet. I asked Big if he noticed. He did. It was a very sweet scene.
Reflections on the Approach
Palmer: So your consequence for us boys being mean to each other was practicing being nice. And then if “Big” didn’t follow through, what happened?
Kerry: He’d “get” to start over! More opportunities to change behavior.
Palmer: What if my big brother had said he wasn’t going to do it?
Kerry: I would say something like, “That’s ok, I can give it some thought and figure out how to make you wish you had, cuz this is really important to practice the skills of getting along with your brother.” If a kid is really resistant, we parents can pull a privilege and say they are welcome to get their privilege back after 5 days in a row of practicing the positive behavior. I never really had to do that, because you older two boys were teenagers, and you understood the value of a good relationship. As a parent, if I didn’t get mad, but rather got sad about how you kids were getting along, there wasn’t much for you to push against.
Argh, I want to share more from my conversation with Palmer, but this is just an email after all, so I’d better sign off.
