Kerry here!
Two sentences changed the course of my career:
“Acute conflicts with parental figures precede 40% of youth suicide cases.” -Bilsen, 2018, para 11
This statistic horrified me. I heard it when all five of my sons and stepsons were teenagers. It was definitely a season of friction and conflict while navigating discipline of teenage boys with their often unbridled urge to be independent. The thought of losing a son to suicide after a conflict is unimaginable.
“If my mom hadn’t gotten me help, I’d be dead by now.” – Palmer
When my girlfriend Beth told me that Palmer said to her, “If my mom hadn’t gotten me help (residential treatment), I’d be dead,” either from suicide or recklessness, I gasped. I felt a shudder down to my core and tears instantly filled my eyes. My precious Palmer. Wow, had we really come that close to losing this bright light of a human? We dodged the bullet of youth suicide.
I’ve always been passionate about helping the well-being of children by supporting their parents through therapy and teaching parenting skills. But when I heard that quote of Palmer’s, it got personal. Real personal, real quick. It could have been ME grieving the death of my son. And even with the best help and the best families, sometimes parents lose their beloved children to suicide, which is heartbreaking.
Now that beautiful soul named Palmer works with teen boys as a life, purpose, and confidence coach and is also finishing a masters in marriage and family with his heart set on helping families and their kids. The farther he goes in his master’s program, the more fired up he becomes about his work with teens and young adults who have survived the torment of their parents’ high conflict divorce and the abuse of parental alienation. Whether it’s coaching or therapy, he’s as confident as he can be that he will always be doing this sort of work because of the impact he knows it can have.
After surviving my own version of hell of a high conflict divorce with my kid hating my guts and his painful vow I’d never see him once he turned 18, I have a special place in my heart for parents going through what I’ve been through. Others helped me get through that, and now I can’t help but want to pay it forward. I also adore doing family therapy with teens and their parents. It’s fascinating how many families have come in lately inspired by the initiative of their teen seeking support and help.
What does this context about the past have to do with now?
Because of our passion to help reduce youth suicide, We are sharing what we wish we had known and what divorcing/divorced parents can do to make sure their kids are okay. We share from the perspective of a parent and a kid who have been there. We also share from the perspective of therapists watching families go through this tough time. We are also presenting this fall at the national symposium on child custody hosted by the AFCC (Association of Family and Conciliation Courts) in Ohio.
If you know a divorcing or divorced parent of kids 8+, a family law attorney or a divorce professional, will you please share this with them?
If you see a contentious divorce unfolding, please know that this is REALLY hard on kids’ mental health. Maybe you can lean in as a trusted adult to the kids. Maybe you can raise the parents’ awareness about the adverse effects and long-term impact of parental conflict.
We may be a little quieter than usual on social media and on offering more general classes for parents, but don’t be fooled…. We also have a fun announcement about a presentation in Denver that you are invited to in February. More on that later.
That’s it – we wanted to keep you in the loop about what’s going on at The Connected Family. We are following the pull of our hearts. We will keep writing our Sunday emails. We will keep working to help you create a close-knit family. Thanks for being part of this community. We love hearing from you.
