ou got me today, Palmer… for the last week before I am officially a dad. Baby James is set to arrive on Tuesday, though given his head is the size of a bowling ball, he might take a few extra days. 😅
I’ve been going through quite the mental process in preparation for my sweet boy, and I wanted to invite you into it. To start, I’ll be honest. There are two simultaneously existing truths about how I feel in regards to fatherhood being right around the corner.
1 – I am so freaking excited. I cannot wait to love on this kid, wrestle with him, comfort him, pour into him, and watch him grow. It’s been a dream of mine since I was 17.
Also…
2 – I am terrified. The thought of messing up or hurting my son twists my stomach into a knot. No one sets out to hurt their kids, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I know I’m not defined by my past, but the fear of repeating certain patterns haunts me.
So for the past nine months, I’ve been staring my weaknesses in the face. Where might I fall short as a father? As a husband? How could my blind spots impact my son?
I used to think people parent based purely on our personalities. While that holds some truth, experience and years of training have shown me otherwise. The way we parent, how we comfort, discipline, and interact with our kids, comes largely from how we were parented, it doesn’t always manifest in the same way but believe it or not research makes this very clear.
For some, this is a wonderful thing. For others, it’s heartbreaking. Most of us carry a mix of both. Regardless of how we were raised, it is in our power to become the parents we want to be and it’s our duty to do the work our kids don’t have too. The problem? Parenting is full of ingrained patterns, and without intentional effort and examination, we don’t change them.
So whether you’re on year 25 of parenting or year one, I can almost guarantee there’s room to grow. I’ve spent months asking myself hard questions, and I encourage you to do the same. Here’s the process I’ve been working through:
1. Envision the kind of kid you want to raise: Take time to paint the picture. What kind of teenager do you want them to be? What kind of adult? Write it down. Be specific.
2. Identify your strengths as a parent: What qualities do you already have that will help them become that person?
3. Get honest about your weaknesses: Where might your blind spots or struggles unintentionally hold your child back? What patterns from your own upbringing might you repeat if you don’t intentionally address them?
4. Get external feedback: This is the brutal part. I asked my wife to (gently) share where she sees my weaknesses as a future dad. We are guaranteed to miss things if we don’t invite in outside perspective. And yes, I had to fight the urge to defend myself after…and still did a little.
5. Make a real plan for change: It’s one thing to know our weaknesses; it’s another to do something about them. What support, accountability, or work do you need to make sure these patterns don’t define your parenting?
This process has led me to intense personal reflection, deep trauma therapy, individual counseling, and some brutally honest conversations with my wife. It hasn’t been easy. But when I look at my son’s future, I know this work is worth it.
I can only imagine how the days blur together as a parent – months fly by even when every day feels full. It’s easy to push growth off, telling ourselves, “One day, when I have more time…” But even a few intentional minutes a day, or an hour here and there, could change everything for your child – their relationship with themselves, their future loved ones, their connection with you.
Do the work not because it’s easy, but because you want that little boy or girl to grow up with confidence, take meaningful risks, and show up for the holidays not out of obligation, but because they genuinely want to be with you.
You don’t have to be perfect, but committing to learning more about yourself might make all the difference. Take a few moments now to reflect on those questions – your family’s future is shaped by what you choose to do today.
