When Palmer was 15 and 16, he couldn’t stand me much of the time. It was so hard to connect with him. Makes sense. It’s hard to connect with someone who doesn’t like you. But dang it, this was my kid! The precious little baby I used to rock in my arms. The little guy who always said, “Mommy do it!” because I was his home base. He felt better if I was the one who put on his shoes, wiped his nose, or tucked him in at night.
Now, here we were in his teen years with a chasm dividing us. Some of it was normal adolescence. Some of it was compounded by a high-conflict divorce—one that led to him hearing and believing a lot of negative things about me.
But I wasn’t giving up. And if you’re in a hard spot with one of your kids, I hope you hang in there, too. All is not lost. As long as their hearts are still beating, you can keep trying—keep letting them feel your love, seen, and known by you. I know it’s gutting when they reject you. I know they can bring out the worst in you. All of that can be true, and you can still have hope.
Breaking Out of Conversational Ruts
One of the hardest parts of parenting teens is feeling like we don’t know what’s going on in their inner world.
But this isn’t just true for our kids—it’s true for our other relationships, too. We fall into conversational ruts with our friends and family, sticking to the same comfortable topics. For parents, it’s often our kids. That makes sense—kids become the center of our world. But even in the most intense seasons of parenting, we are more than just parents.
I’m obsessed—personally and professionally—with parenting. But I still have other parts of me:
• My adventure self
• My spiritual self
• My search-for-meaning self
• My physical self
• My insecure self
We all have many parts of ourselves that can go unseen, even by those who love us. As a parent, family member, and friend, I want my people to feel seen and loved by me.
Being Intentional About Curiosity
So, how do we get out of narrow ruts in our relationships? How do we stay curious about the people we love?
With kids, our questions can feel like interrogations. With friends, we often stick to surface-level conversations. How do we go deeper?
When Palmer was a teen, I kept a little list of questions on hand. That way, in the rare moments when he opened up, I wouldn’t waste the moment. It worked wonders. On those rare days when, instead of just walking past me, he flopped on the couch nearby, I’d ask something small but meaningful. Then, I’d stop talking and let him answer. No pressure. Just space. And when he didn’t feel pressed, he’d open up.
Now, I keep a list of “conversation starters” on my phone. I refer to it when I want to go beyond the surface with someone. It’s been refreshing!
Just this past week, I asked:
• An 87-year-old friend what she’s curious about these days.
• A 15-year-old what inspires him.
• A 29-year-old what he likes about who he is when he’s with his partner.
• That same 29-year-old if he likes the way his partner loves him.
Each of these questions led to open-hearted, connecting conversations.
So, if you ever feel itchy for deeper connection, I’m sharing my list of conversation starters below. I’d love to hear what you would add!
A Final Thought: Timing is Everything
One last thing. My 24-year-old nephew recently reminded me of something important—timing matters.
When I asked about his girlfriend too quickly, he immediately called me a “Nosey Aunt.” That’s the hard part about being a therapist in real life—not everyone wants to go deep, and we have to honor their timing. Some of us are working on deeper connections. And some of us (like me!) are learning how to start in the shallow end first.
Shifting out of conversation ruts isn’t about always getting it right. It’s about switching things up and seeing if you can find your way to deeper connections and more understanding of the people you care about.
- What are you curious about lately?
- Tell me 3 things about you that have nothing to do with your job.
- Who and what inspires you?
- What moves you?
- What makes you feel loved?
- If you were in a room with everyone you ever met, who would you look for?
- Describe a time in your life when you learned a big lesson.
- Which part of your life brings the most joy and why?
- Name five of your favorite things.
- What is the best advice you have ever received?
- In one minute, tell us the story of you.
- If you could drop everything and spend 24 hours in one city, where would you go?
- What would you love to learn more about over the next year?
- What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?
- What is the most important characteristic in the people you spend time with?
- What is an experience in your life that left you with speechless joy?
- What interest would you pursue if you had time?
- What do you love doing so much that you lose track of time?
- Where do you feel most accepted in life?
What is something you are proud you can do? - Tell about a time you were able to do something difficult
- Tell about a time you were proud of yourself
Tell about a time you were nice to someone - Tell about a time you helped yourself feel better
Say something nice to someone else in the room - Share a compliment you’ve received recently and tell me why it was meaningful to you.
- How is your spiritual life?
- What comes to life in yourself when you are with your significant other?
