You are doomed if your kid does this…
You got Palmer today!
First off, happy Easter if you celebrate! Whether you enjoy an Easter egg hunt or deeply reflect on its meaning, I hope it’s a lovely day for you 😊.
I’m just kidding about them being doomed, but I have had something on my mind for the last 10 days and am excited to share some thoughts on a topic that I have seen be prevalent in nearly every family.
It’s the idea that certain habits feel so important to us as parents or individuals that we pour enormous energy into making them happen. This can look like a parent constantly battling with their kid over having a clean room, practicing an instrument perfectly, never being a second late, doing chores, or strict obedience to household rules. Every parent usually has at least one – and I bet you know exactly what I’m talking about. 👀
I want to acknowledge that this kind of stress usually doesn’t come from a bad place; it often comes from love and the genuine desire to set your child up for the best future possible. If it wasn’t from that genuine concern, you probably wouldn’t care nearly as much.
Now, here’s what’s been rattling around my mind for the last 10 days ever since I walked into my closet and saw this behemoth mountain of laundry.
I laughed a little and, for a split second, heard my mom’s voice saying, “You need to learn to be better about your laundry.” But instead of wanting to yell at her and tell her to BACK OFF like teenage me would have, I just chuckled and said it’ll get done when it gets done (or until my wife draws a line before my laundry pile eats hers).
That laundry pile got me thinking about something I see parents do often: they fight, argue, and stress so much over small daily tasks that they miss out on the big picture – the things that truly help create decent, well-rounded humans.
I’m a prime example of a kid who, growing up, made you bite your nails out of worry that I’d end up in a very bad place. Even though I struggled with grades, broke the law, ate junk food, got into trouble at school, was always late, and had a DISGUSTING room, I’ve built a life better than I ever imagined. I have an amazing wife, I’m about to finish grad school at a top university (with honors, I might add), have good friends, a career I dearly love, pretty healthy habits – all while still having a monster laundry pile. Many of my friends whose parents won the habit battles in high school now struggle with purpose, relationships, excessive substance use, and poor health decisions.
Exploring why I ended up where I did is a much longer conversation, but I share this to encourage grace for yourself and your kid. It’s worth reflecting: if the habit you’re fighting for doesn’t get instilled, will it really devastate your kid’s life?
If your concern is about missing an assignment occasionally, a messy room, or skipping a practice session, odds are these aren’t worth causing constant turmoil in your relationship.
Of course, this is a balance. Don’t let your kid become someone who completely walks over you – just pick your battles wisely. The core message here is: Don’t sweat the small stuff if it’s preventing you from connecting with your kid and instilling the values that genuinely lead to a purposeful life. I had to learn many of these things myself due to the challenging relationship I had with my mom, but witnessing how this approach positively impacts kids through my work makes it clear that there are more important things to focus on than every little detail.
I’m curious: what behaviors make you lose your marbles? If you’re unsure about some, send them my way and I’ll gladly think them through with you!
