Every kid needs one

Kerry here 🙂

When I was a kid, I called my mom’s best friend “Mother Millie.” I didn’t give it much thought that she was there for me…. That is, until my parents divorced when I was a teen. I was devastated and so embarrassed that this was happening to OUR family. 

Since we didn’t really talk about hard things, I was accustomed to acting like I was fine. You know, so that others around me didn’t have to feel uncomfortable.

But my parents’ divorce was too heavy a weight for me to carry and that’s when I really leaned into “Mother Millie.” She was no therapist, but she loved me and was good at listening and empathizing. I never realized until much later how much she probably protected my mental health during those years of transition and loss.

Do you remember an adult – outside your family – who made you feel like you mattered?

Kids who have even one caring adult outside their immediate family are more likely to thrive emotionally, academically, and socially. Just one. That’s all it takes. And it could be you.

This concept of “one caring adult” is especially important during the teen years.

There are two ways this idea might be relevant to you:

#1 Are you being that “one caring adult” for any of the young people in your life (other than your own)?

Sometimes it comes naturally, and sometimes it takes intention. That might mean making snacks, saying “yes” to other kids joining in family activities, or staying up later than we want to … to name just a few.

Here are some examples of how to be available as a caring adult to kids:

1. When kids come home with their friends, make food and just be around in a warm, curious, nurturing way.
2. When teens have friends over at night, stay awake as late as you can bear(when you have it in you), serve snacks, and hang out in the kitchen. You never know when someone might wander up from the basement and start talking. I remember “Mr. & Mrs. G” from high school. While a group of us sat in the hot tub, they hung out in the kitchen, playing cards. I’ll always remember feeling so seen and cared for when I stopped to chat with them.
3. Late night pick-up duty? The hours can be brutal on a perimenopausal mom who isn’t sleeping well, but wow… the open conversations that occasionally started on those late drives blew my mind. (Again… only when you have it in you.)
4. Remember other kids’ birthdays and special days with a call, a song, or an invitation to dinner.
5. One of my girlfriends and her husband impress me with how often they invite a young person out to dinner just to spend time together and hear about the kid’s life.
6. Volunteer with a program that pairs mentors with young people.

Pro tip: if a kid opens up to you, for goodness sake, keep their confidence! No gossiping. 

(Unless they tell you about being harmed or knowing of a kid at risk of harm. In that case, call 988 for guidance on what to do.)

#2 Does your own tween/teen have at least one caring adult outside your family who makes them feel seen and cared for?

Have you built a life that includes community for your kids? If yes, hooray for you! For many people, the answer is “not really” for a variety of reasons. If that’s you, you can take steps to bring a caring adult into your child’s life.

1. When my kids were in the midst of my protracted divorce from their dad, some of them learned to have disdain for not just me, but also my family and friends. This meant I had to go looking for other trustworthy adults willing to pour a little healthy TLC and attention into my boys. I talked to their youth group leader and scout leaders. Without revealing too much of my kids’ private lives, I asked these warm men if they could extend themselves a little more, modeling what it meant to be a healthy man. Each one said yes. I also reached out to the kids’ godmothers and asked if they could move a step closer. In whatever ways I could think of, I tried to wrap a buffer of TLC around my sons. I’ll never really know exactly what the impact was, but it was my way of doing what I could to protect their mental health.
2. I imagine that Palmer and I serve as caring adults for our young clients. What I’m writing about today is finding those people in your kids’ lives organically, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the value of coaches and therapists.

”Every child is one caring adult away from a success story.” 

– Josh Shipp

Can you think of a kid in particular who might be going through something tough? Please don’t be afraid to bring it up with them. Trust me: chances are good that they feel like they are struggling alone. A 20-something once told me that when she was a teen in the midst of her parents’ divorce, everyone assumed she was doing great because she was such a high achiever. But underneath, she longed for someone to ask how the divorce was going for her. She felt invisible in her suffering. I’d rather risk the awkwardness of asking than the sadness of finding out someone was suffering more than I realized.

I love the people who have signed up to receive this email because you are the ones most likely to be that caring adult for other kids. And you are also the most likely to be creative about engaging caring adults in the lives of your children. If Palmer or I can be of support or help you brainstorm, please hit “reply” and ask. And if you’ve found ways to be the caring adult, please share what you’ve learned so we can pass it along to others.