As a parent having pride for your kids can be a mixed bad. It’s good to be proud of your kids; it can help them feel encouraged, but it can also be overdone if we start to let their lives dictate our own sense of worth.
Since 2017 when I first worked door-to-door sales selling educational resources to families I saw many different forms of parent pride. I’d meet parents who made sure to tell me how THEIR kid was actually very advanced, and that other parents who said the same were mistaken. This could be about achievements in sports, math, reading, writing, extracurricular activities, you know what I’m talking about.
I used to talk with peers about it and we’d laugh, thinking, “Oh that’s sweet, but how can they mislead themselves that much, surely their kid isn’t that special.”
However, despite what I just said, I actually think my 5-week-old baby might be the most advanced baby I’ve ever seen. You have no idea how long my baby can hold up his head, how many pee diapers he’s having, or how quickly he’s already learning advanced calculus. He REALLY is advanced, and I’m not just saying that.
Please tell me you know I’m joking – maybe he’s advanced, maybe he isn’t. Ultimately, “advanced” means to be ahead of others, which requires us to compare our abilities to other people. Last I checked, every self-help book ever encourages us not to base our worth on other people’s lives. I’m not saying we can’t use others to gauge development and progress, but too often we use comparisons to determine our kids’ worth and our own.
This email could easily get away from me because the research on this topic is abundant and clear; it touches on some very crucial issues. Here are a few key lessons the research has shown me, which I hope to implement throughout my life and that I thought was worth reminding you! Even though I now realize those parents bragging about their kid’s reading level were just doing what felt instinctual, and I’ve already had the same knee-jerk reaction. I feel responsible for learning what’s best for my kid and doing something about it it. Will I fail? Definitely. But will I learn and try again? Yes.
1 – It’s easy to take pride in our kids’ “success,” but this can lead us to unintentionally steamroll their sense of self by pushing them toward society’s definition of success. This is tricky because it feels like we’re doing the right thing.
2 – Our kids’ success in one season doesn’t guarantee success in others. I almost completely failed school my sophomore year of high school but ended up graduating undergrad with a 3.9 and will finish grad school at Northwestern with a 3.95. Other kids do great in high school but struggle later due to a poor sense of internal direction or values (I see this more often than the former).
3 – We need to redefine success. Often, parents focus on outcomes related to school or sports. Let’s redefine success based on effort, not results.
4 – Many parents say they just want their kids to be happy but unintentionally communicate a different message through praise focused on achievements that have little to do with emotional well-being. Even if you’re the most successful person in your field, poor relationships and sub par emotional health out weigh the positives of those successes. Let’s prioritize emotional intelligence and healthy relationships above academic or extracurricular achievements.
I know that may be a lot, but my brain has been chugging away at research more now than ever as I try to figure out how to best support my little boy in being true to himself.
I’m immensely grateful for you on behalf of your kids for taking the time to learn and grow. They’ll thank you one day!
Till next time!
Kerry and Palmer 🙂
