Palmer here…
What an experience it is to have and be a teenager… I sometimes dream about soaking in the highs and lows that will come with having a teen one day and then think about what I put my mom through and get a little terrified because I was not great. 😅
Two things made me want to write on this topic this week. One was seeing Inside Out 2 at the drive-in this weekend (I’d say it’s worth a watch). The main reason, however, was because of the interactions I saw this week during some family sessions at my grad school clinical site. I watched a few different families where the teenagers would have a range of emotions including extreme harshness and defiance to goofy, tender, and even get protective of their parents all in less than an hour. 🥹
Sometimes parents ask me “How do I get my old kid back? They used to be so sweet and open” and it often feels like that version of their kid is weeks, months, and/or dozens of therapy/coaching sessions away. While there certainly are situations where they really may be further away, even in some very high conflict situations, that goofy and tender teenager is just one conversation away from taking off their cold and resistant mask. I can pretty much promise you that they won’t show their soft side for very long, but it’s there. It just feels like there is this paper-thin but seemingly impenetrable barrier between the two of you.
If I asked any of those teenagers casually if they wanted to share that part of themself with their parents, they would say, “heck no!” (it’s usually a little more dismissive and vulgar than that if I am being honest). However, if I was able to get them to settle into a more thoughtful place I can nearly promise you all of them would share how they wish they could be closer to their parents. There is no perfect science on how to be more connected with your kid but I do know that oftentimes both the parents and teens are responsible for keeping that barrier up.
This might sound harsh but one of the worst things you can do for getting through that barrier with your kid is assuming that they are the only reason for it being there. Not all kids are the same, but all kids who get to the teenage years need something different than they did when they were younger. I will give you a few ideas on how to create more pass-throughs for the barrier with your kid, but please please don’t assume that your kid is happy being rude and distant from you. Their clever, insightful, and curious brains are also wired to be very impulsive with actions and the things they say to you which usually gets them intro trouble and are hurtful . 🥲
So here are a 5 ideas on how to create small moments that remind both you and your teen that the wall between the two of you hasn’t completely cut off all tender and playful moments.
1 – Poke around in the type of music, shows, or games they like. One of the best way I connect with my teen clients is by being familiar with the things they like. Even you just watching a 5 minute video about their favorite video game, artist, or passion can open them up so much
2 – Find ways to help them feel empowered in their life. Most teenagers resist engaging with life because they feel like they aren’t guiding it at all.
3 – Create rituals with them that help them feel your effort consistently versus just here and there when it is at the front of your mind.
4 – Get them moving before you dive into conversation, even still I get antsy when I just sit and talk. You get me on a walk or passing the football and my thoughts just start coming…sometimes too much 😂
5 – Surprise them with little simple treats and maybe write a few word note (teenagers and kids love snacks and it can usually be something super small. I promise you giving them one bag of chips or candy will do more good than harm)
Those little moments are like lighthouse flashes in the fog that help you both know that stable and secure land is not lost forever.
